Losing Contact

I'm drifting off like I thought I might. Not towards alcohol, but the constant clarity that was given by my experiences in Rehab. I'm isolating unwillingly. I don't know what to do about it, if it's the other people and the fact that I just need to let them all go and do me. I need to go to a meeting tomorrow for sure. It's even hard with Alanna. I know things are getting better with us but at the same time she's sleeping at his place right now as I write.

Even the paragraph I just typed is such a jumble of unclear thoughts and emotional chaos. I haven't even said the serenity prayer today to myself, much less out loud. It's odd how something can become so familiar and habit, for me to then just drift away from it and all my peace in one fell swoop. I will not relapse. The fact that I am typing this is fact enough that I am not inclined to be drinking. On another note, I worked on my first music video crew the last few days. It was a hodgepodge that mostly got rained out but I am getting paid nonetheless. I am pretty sure that I made some good contacts with the Production guys. I want to look into this bicycle building idea with Kelly as well, it could be huge considering the gas crisis.

Tomorrow, I am going to a meeting. I am sitting up front, sharing, and really letting go. Tomorrow I am working outside on Scott's cabinets and getting paid. Tomorrow I am going to the gym and putting gas in my car and depositing a check. Tomorrow I am surfing and making the most of my life. Tomorrow I might even go to two meetings. Tomorrow I need to talk to Nate and see if he will sponsor me. Tomorrow I am going to sand the primer on the bike frame and figure out what color I am going to paint it. I wish I were doing these things with another person. Anyone. Just a friend. 

I reach out so much and maybe its because I hold everything else back without knowing it. I wasn't this way in Rehab, I don't want to be this way again. I want to be fun and outgoing and sociable. I was built for community style situations. I don't think I was meant to be on my own...This is a ramble, I know, but it is spilling the mess out of my head onto this computer so that I may do some readings and go to sleep with a calm mind. I hope Natalie and Jim hurry to get here. I hope Alanna comes Wednesday...

I hope I can survive all these expenses I have coming up...I am trying not to be afraid. Goodnight.