He was never truly tested

So yesterday was my birthday. The first thing I did this morning was get up and go to a Meeting.

I knew that yesterday was a test and the verdict was...

That I had failed miserably.

Apparently this whole week since rehab has been one disastrous failure as far as my recovery goes.

The only thing I seem to have actually done right is to go to meetings and not drink. But in reality I was only buying "Near Beer" instead of none at all. Not sober in any way other than physically.

I haven't been praying, I haven't really been changing me. 

I have been expecting the same people, same places, and same things to somehow make me happy now that I am "different" I have been going through the motions staying up late, stopping in at the old pubs. I haven't really immersed myself in my process. 

I wasn't finding the fellowship, nor was I taking it seriously.

I need to remember that this really is life and death. This is serious. I don't have control, I have the residual effects of the wonderful people from rehab.

I have been trying to carry on as i see fit and not letting "God" control my life and the end results. I need to respect the alcohol. I need to have the FEAR.

Everyone saying "I'm proud of you." is only them not knowing any better. Sure, they are proud of me for not drinking, it is a small victory, but nothing to be proud of, per say.

Anyone can just not drink, for what? 43 days? I've even done that before. This is no uncharted territory for me. I have lots of work to do and much to look forward too because it will undoubtedly get better.

I have however learned how to recognize when that voice in me saying I should speak out, is a good thing or not. This morning I knew it was going to be.

There is alot to do today and I am determined to do it well.

Later.