2:50pm on Sunday is an odd Hour

Such a weird time of day.
Such an obvious "On The Fence" time of day.
2:50...

Not quite 3.
Too late to eat lunch, too early for dinner.
Too late to go to the beach, too early to use that as an excuse.
Too late to start an "All-day" project, still too early to use that as an excuse.
Too bright out for naps, too early for siesta.

2:50...Heh. 25 with a zero.
25 is like that.

Too late to start over, too early to give up.
Too late to change everything, too early to feel like you have to.
Too late to try the easy life, too early to stop dreaming.
Too late to feel entitled, but too early to let others have all the fun.

2:50 is a dangerous hour. 25 is a dangerous age.
You have all your potential right in front of you.
If you've lived at all its not your first time around, your first battle, first goal scored.
Been there done that, should at least be a thought.
Whether its appropriate to speak out loud or not.
25 can mean you've just gathered all your troops. Loaded all your guns, and prepared for war.

2:50 can mean, man its been a great day so far.
Or I'm just getting started.

Well, I'm just getting started. Watch what I can do.

Sober

Its 87 days. I'm still sober... I'm not going anywhere. This world can't break me...This vice won't win. I run my life. I make my days, my own way. 90 days here I come.

hate

I hate you...so much. You make me miserable. You make me want to die. To disappear and be the martyr and well of sorrow in everyones chest for however long it will last. You make me want to write a note blaming it all on you so you will realize how bad you made me feel. You make me want to punch, bite, claw, swing, headbutt, knee and kick anything I can reach. Anything within my body's capacity. You make me want to burn my house down, burn other peoples houses down, just because. You make me want to pick up and leave you wondering. Just move and never come back. And I will tell everyone stories about where I came from and how I had to get away. I'll make most of it up to seem gloomier than it was, and make myself seem more victimized. I'll start to believe my lies and wonder why I don't let anyone else in. When really its because I gave you the key to my lock years before. You make me hate days that should by glorious. It's beautiful outside and all I want to do is hide and dwell on the anger. You make me want to write you mean letters and lash out with all that you accuse me of doing. You make me want to actually do those things so you will be right. So for once you will be accusing me of something that I've actually done. You make me want to be better at everything that I do that doesn't involve you so that I won't feel like I need you anymore. Even though i do. And will. You make me want to do so many sweet things, but I don't because I only feel like you will think I'm doing them to cover some bad thing I've done up. You make me want to do desperate things, like drive up there and see you right now just to prove I will. But the only sensible shred left in me knows that I can't afford it, and my car might not make it, and I have to have a job...which I would lose...So instead I do nothing. And wish you knew I wanted to do something. You cut me so deep and so hard every time you tell me you love me and still go to bed with him. And don't even try to hide it. No one deserves to feel this way, to put up with something like this. But I do, because maybe you will appreciate the sacrifice, maybe you will see that I am putting myself through some of what you put yourself through so that now we might be even. Every self respecting part of my body, that knows I'm better, wants to scream "go to hell" turn around flip you off and never look back. It wants to say "you think you can do this to me? I'll show you" and spend the rest of my life finding ways to spite you. Knowing damn well you will just move on and the anger and vengeance will only consume one of us. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I don't even know how many ways to describe that, and it makes me sick to think of you and someone else. Its the only thought that can physically make me puke to this day. I gagged right now simply typing it. I want to tear into my chest, pull my heart out and actually hand the bloody mess over to you so you will have some concrete proof that it is yours. All the good its doing me now, keeping me breathing so I can spin my wheels and waste someone elses time. You make me want to just hold you and be there and show you that I won't let you down like you think I will...if it were possible its all I would do every moment of every day...and you won't let me...or let yourself try again...but you won't let go either...why won't you let go? you try to force me to do it so many other ways...maybe so it won't be on you? So you won't have to deal with the fact that you might have made the wrong choice? years from now when we are different people in different places...would it make it easier if I were the one to walk away? Sorry...I tried, I can't....I hate you so much...

But I love you more...

If It's The Beaches

Don't say it's over
Cause that's the worst news I could hear I swear that I will
Do my best to be here just the way you like it
Even though its hard to hide
Push my feelings all aside
I will rearrange my plans and change for you

If I could go back
That's the first thing I would do I swear that I would
Do my best to folow through
Come up with a master plan
A homerun hit, a winning stand
A gaurantee and not a promise
That I'll never let your love slip from my hands

If it's the beaches
If it's the beaches' sands you want
Then you will have them
If it's the mountains' bending rivers
Then you will have them
If it's the wish to run away
Then I will grant it
Take whatever what you think of
While I go gas up the truck
Pack the old love letters up
We will read them when we forget why we left here

He was never truly tested

So yesterday was my birthday. The first thing I did this morning was get up and go to a Meeting.

I knew that yesterday was a test and the verdict was...

That I had failed miserably.

Apparently this whole week since rehab has been one disastrous failure as far as my recovery goes.

The only thing I seem to have actually done right is to go to meetings and not drink. But in reality I was only buying "Near Beer" instead of none at all. Not sober in any way other than physically.

I haven't been praying, I haven't really been changing me. 

I have been expecting the same people, same places, and same things to somehow make me happy now that I am "different" I have been going through the motions staying up late, stopping in at the old pubs. I haven't really immersed myself in my process. 

I wasn't finding the fellowship, nor was I taking it seriously.

I need to remember that this really is life and death. This is serious. I don't have control, I have the residual effects of the wonderful people from rehab.

I have been trying to carry on as i see fit and not letting "God" control my life and the end results. I need to respect the alcohol. I need to have the FEAR.

Everyone saying "I'm proud of you." is only them not knowing any better. Sure, they are proud of me for not drinking, it is a small victory, but nothing to be proud of, per say.

Anyone can just not drink, for what? 43 days? I've even done that before. This is no uncharted territory for me. I have lots of work to do and much to look forward too because it will undoubtedly get better.

I have however learned how to recognize when that voice in me saying I should speak out, is a good thing or not. This morning I knew it was going to be.

There is alot to do today and I am determined to do it well.

Later.

Prepared for the Flood

I was prepared for the way today was going to be.
I don't have a great history for Birthday's. They never have gone quite as planned. Mostly because I rely on my friends to make them fun for me, I mean that's what I have always done for them.
Expectations.
I knew today was going to be a dim one because of my recent choices. I knew coming back from Rehab, that there were going to be a right many people in this town that just plain weren't going to miss me.
Really miss me.
Out of sight out of mind as it goes, fairweather fans.
I was prepared to have no plans and no one to eat a birthday dinner with.
I was ready to have to make my own excitement as it were.

Well the day has come and went. My parents took me out to a nice lunch but that's where the story ends.
A friend came back into town just today for my birthday, and completely bailed on me to go hang out with his roommate. No bowling. No stupid sober games. No nothing. I know its stupid to dwell on and in all reality I am only writing about it to get it off my chest.
I know I'm freaking 25, but a part of me is 12 inside. If you know me, you know this to be a fact.
So the 12 year old inside of me is kicking rocks and pouting his bottom lip out right now, feeling sorry for himself and wanting everyone to know it. I can't help that.
I'm not spoiled, nor do I feel entitled to anything.
But it would have been a pleasant surprise if at least 1 person who were able to spend some time with me...actually did.
Just for the sake of it.

The best part of this birthday? The fact that it's over and I can get on with my life. Tomorrow a friend has planned a funky lunch and then Alanna comes to see me.
At least I'm sober.
24 hours at a time.
Goodnight...

Oh and I have a sponsor now. *bling*

It's my Birthday

It's my birthday...as of an hour ago...
I am now 25. A quarter of a century has passed since I first began absorbing the parts of this world that were set around me.
The words people spoke began to have meaning, colors became more than just blue and green.
Red and white.
This life really is just the collection of snapshots we manage to file away.
The images that we carry in our backpacks and luggage as we go through the process of growing up.
The ones we choose to keep, no matter how distorted. As well as the ones we can't seem to get rid of. The images that are placed in that spot on the small of your back that neither hand can quite reach.
This is what life comes down to. Or at least I thought.

I think everyone deserves the chance to pick a point in their life to hit the pause button. To sit back and just reflect on the score up to this point.
To devise a new game plan. Make adjustments where they are needed.
I got such a chance...

It's funny how I am now 25, and I have alot more than what I was carrying in my backpack a few months ago.
I may not have the money I thought I would, or the friends I thought I had.
I may not have the wife or kids or job that life seems to be scripted for.
I may not have the success or respect or status that others do.

But I do have my health.
I understand what "Surrender" means, and "Honor". What they truly mean, not the storybook definition.
I know when the right thing isn't neccessarily the right thing. And know that I have the courage within me to do it.
I know the difference between Religion and Spirituality...and have been given the wisdom to see through the mess.
I know the real meaning of Love...and have felt it. It's loss too.
I know that I am one of the lucky ones. And so are all of you if you so choose to see it.

I may not have many things, and as young as I am, I wouldn't want to be anyone or anywhere else...
than exactly where I am, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing...
Right now.

Losing Contact

I'm drifting off like I thought I might. Not towards alcohol, but the constant clarity that was given by my experiences in Rehab. I'm isolating unwillingly. I don't know what to do about it, if it's the other people and the fact that I just need to let them all go and do me. I need to go to a meeting tomorrow for sure. It's even hard with Alanna. I know things are getting better with us but at the same time she's sleeping at his place right now as I write.

Even the paragraph I just typed is such a jumble of unclear thoughts and emotional chaos. I haven't even said the serenity prayer today to myself, much less out loud. It's odd how something can become so familiar and habit, for me to then just drift away from it and all my peace in one fell swoop. I will not relapse. The fact that I am typing this is fact enough that I am not inclined to be drinking. On another note, I worked on my first music video crew the last few days. It was a hodgepodge that mostly got rained out but I am getting paid nonetheless. I am pretty sure that I made some good contacts with the Production guys. I want to look into this bicycle building idea with Kelly as well, it could be huge considering the gas crisis.

Tomorrow, I am going to a meeting. I am sitting up front, sharing, and really letting go. Tomorrow I am working outside on Scott's cabinets and getting paid. Tomorrow I am going to the gym and putting gas in my car and depositing a check. Tomorrow I am surfing and making the most of my life. Tomorrow I might even go to two meetings. Tomorrow I need to talk to Nate and see if he will sponsor me. Tomorrow I am going to sand the primer on the bike frame and figure out what color I am going to paint it. I wish I were doing these things with another person. Anyone. Just a friend. 

I reach out so much and maybe its because I hold everything else back without knowing it. I wasn't this way in Rehab, I don't want to be this way again. I want to be fun and outgoing and sociable. I was built for community style situations. I don't think I was meant to be on my own...This is a ramble, I know, but it is spilling the mess out of my head onto this computer so that I may do some readings and go to sleep with a calm mind. I hope Natalie and Jim hurry to get here. I hope Alanna comes Wednesday...

I hope I can survive all these expenses I have coming up...I am trying not to be afraid. Goodnight.

It's Friday...Not Saturday

I've decided not to write any more in the paper journal.

Mostly because it is building this monster callous on my hand. Also because I need to stop attempting to make every day some sort of landmark. As it is to my sobriety, every 24 hours is definitely something to be happy about, but otherwise...It's another 24 hours.

I'll continue to use that book for landmarks like my 60 days, 90, 6months, so on...

Woke up today with a runny nose, sorta out of nowhere. I'm seriously not trying to be sick, cold's suck and thats the last thing I want right now. All I did yesterday was sit outside and work on that beach cruiser. I think its going to be bright orange. I worked so long on it that I forgot to eat. It's 10:23 and I'm bout to jump back on it, gotta finish sanding the paint off the main frame so I can prime it. I'll post some pictures when I get them taken.

It's no doubt I've got step one. I am truly powerless. I know damn well that if I slip for even one sip I am doomed. I know how my mind is and if I start cutting corners even in daydreams, it won't be long before I'm rationalizing. Went out with Kevin last night after some Sushi and stopped in the usual watering holes with no desire whatsoever. I met that tattoo artist I was thinking about asking to sponsor me, looks like it might be a go. 

Today, I plan on making it to a meeting. I plan to talk to other alcoholics, and I plan on reading some literature. In the meantime I plan on "praying" in the sense that I do. I am excited about the job potentials. I may soon be working at Banana Republic? Hey, I get discounts on Blazers...

I am also working on a music video Saturday. Should be a cool experience and maybe some good money in the future. It should be interesting driving the jeep out onto Carolina Beach with a 300 pound generator in the back. Good day Blog.