He was never truly tested

So yesterday was my birthday. The first thing I did this morning was get up and go to a Meeting.

I knew that yesterday was a test and the verdict was...

That I had failed miserably.

Apparently this whole week since rehab has been one disastrous failure as far as my recovery goes.

The only thing I seem to have actually done right is to go to meetings and not drink. But in reality I was only buying "Near Beer" instead of none at all. Not sober in any way other than physically.

I haven't been praying, I haven't really been changing me. 

I have been expecting the same people, same places, and same things to somehow make me happy now that I am "different" I have been going through the motions staying up late, stopping in at the old pubs. I haven't really immersed myself in my process. 

I wasn't finding the fellowship, nor was I taking it seriously.

I need to remember that this really is life and death. This is serious. I don't have control, I have the residual effects of the wonderful people from rehab.

I have been trying to carry on as i see fit and not letting "God" control my life and the end results. I need to respect the alcohol. I need to have the FEAR.

Everyone saying "I'm proud of you." is only them not knowing any better. Sure, they are proud of me for not drinking, it is a small victory, but nothing to be proud of, per say.

Anyone can just not drink, for what? 43 days? I've even done that before. This is no uncharted territory for me. I have lots of work to do and much to look forward too because it will undoubtedly get better.

I have however learned how to recognize when that voice in me saying I should speak out, is a good thing or not. This morning I knew it was going to be.

There is alot to do today and I am determined to do it well.

Later.

Prepared for the Flood

I was prepared for the way today was going to be.
I don't have a great history for Birthday's. They never have gone quite as planned. Mostly because I rely on my friends to make them fun for me, I mean that's what I have always done for them.
Expectations.
I knew today was going to be a dim one because of my recent choices. I knew coming back from Rehab, that there were going to be a right many people in this town that just plain weren't going to miss me.
Really miss me.
Out of sight out of mind as it goes, fairweather fans.
I was prepared to have no plans and no one to eat a birthday dinner with.
I was ready to have to make my own excitement as it were.

Well the day has come and went. My parents took me out to a nice lunch but that's where the story ends.
A friend came back into town just today for my birthday, and completely bailed on me to go hang out with his roommate. No bowling. No stupid sober games. No nothing. I know its stupid to dwell on and in all reality I am only writing about it to get it off my chest.
I know I'm freaking 25, but a part of me is 12 inside. If you know me, you know this to be a fact.
So the 12 year old inside of me is kicking rocks and pouting his bottom lip out right now, feeling sorry for himself and wanting everyone to know it. I can't help that.
I'm not spoiled, nor do I feel entitled to anything.
But it would have been a pleasant surprise if at least 1 person who were able to spend some time with me...actually did.
Just for the sake of it.

The best part of this birthday? The fact that it's over and I can get on with my life. Tomorrow a friend has planned a funky lunch and then Alanna comes to see me.
At least I'm sober.
24 hours at a time.
Goodnight...

Oh and I have a sponsor now. *bling*

It's my Birthday

It's my birthday...as of an hour ago...
I am now 25. A quarter of a century has passed since I first began absorbing the parts of this world that were set around me.
The words people spoke began to have meaning, colors became more than just blue and green.
Red and white.
This life really is just the collection of snapshots we manage to file away.
The images that we carry in our backpacks and luggage as we go through the process of growing up.
The ones we choose to keep, no matter how distorted. As well as the ones we can't seem to get rid of. The images that are placed in that spot on the small of your back that neither hand can quite reach.
This is what life comes down to. Or at least I thought.

I think everyone deserves the chance to pick a point in their life to hit the pause button. To sit back and just reflect on the score up to this point.
To devise a new game plan. Make adjustments where they are needed.
I got such a chance...

It's funny how I am now 25, and I have alot more than what I was carrying in my backpack a few months ago.
I may not have the money I thought I would, or the friends I thought I had.
I may not have the wife or kids or job that life seems to be scripted for.
I may not have the success or respect or status that others do.

But I do have my health.
I understand what "Surrender" means, and "Honor". What they truly mean, not the storybook definition.
I know when the right thing isn't neccessarily the right thing. And know that I have the courage within me to do it.
I know the difference between Religion and Spirituality...and have been given the wisdom to see through the mess.
I know the real meaning of Love...and have felt it. It's loss too.
I know that I am one of the lucky ones. And so are all of you if you so choose to see it.

I may not have many things, and as young as I am, I wouldn't want to be anyone or anywhere else...
than exactly where I am, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing...
Right now.

Losing Contact

I'm drifting off like I thought I might. Not towards alcohol, but the constant clarity that was given by my experiences in Rehab. I'm isolating unwillingly. I don't know what to do about it, if it's the other people and the fact that I just need to let them all go and do me. I need to go to a meeting tomorrow for sure. It's even hard with Alanna. I know things are getting better with us but at the same time she's sleeping at his place right now as I write.

Even the paragraph I just typed is such a jumble of unclear thoughts and emotional chaos. I haven't even said the serenity prayer today to myself, much less out loud. It's odd how something can become so familiar and habit, for me to then just drift away from it and all my peace in one fell swoop. I will not relapse. The fact that I am typing this is fact enough that I am not inclined to be drinking. On another note, I worked on my first music video crew the last few days. It was a hodgepodge that mostly got rained out but I am getting paid nonetheless. I am pretty sure that I made some good contacts with the Production guys. I want to look into this bicycle building idea with Kelly as well, it could be huge considering the gas crisis.

Tomorrow, I am going to a meeting. I am sitting up front, sharing, and really letting go. Tomorrow I am working outside on Scott's cabinets and getting paid. Tomorrow I am going to the gym and putting gas in my car and depositing a check. Tomorrow I am surfing and making the most of my life. Tomorrow I might even go to two meetings. Tomorrow I need to talk to Nate and see if he will sponsor me. Tomorrow I am going to sand the primer on the bike frame and figure out what color I am going to paint it. I wish I were doing these things with another person. Anyone. Just a friend. 

I reach out so much and maybe its because I hold everything else back without knowing it. I wasn't this way in Rehab, I don't want to be this way again. I want to be fun and outgoing and sociable. I was built for community style situations. I don't think I was meant to be on my own...This is a ramble, I know, but it is spilling the mess out of my head onto this computer so that I may do some readings and go to sleep with a calm mind. I hope Natalie and Jim hurry to get here. I hope Alanna comes Wednesday...

I hope I can survive all these expenses I have coming up...I am trying not to be afraid. Goodnight.

It's Friday...Not Saturday

I've decided not to write any more in the paper journal.

Mostly because it is building this monster callous on my hand. Also because I need to stop attempting to make every day some sort of landmark. As it is to my sobriety, every 24 hours is definitely something to be happy about, but otherwise...It's another 24 hours.

I'll continue to use that book for landmarks like my 60 days, 90, 6months, so on...

Woke up today with a runny nose, sorta out of nowhere. I'm seriously not trying to be sick, cold's suck and thats the last thing I want right now. All I did yesterday was sit outside and work on that beach cruiser. I think its going to be bright orange. I worked so long on it that I forgot to eat. It's 10:23 and I'm bout to jump back on it, gotta finish sanding the paint off the main frame so I can prime it. I'll post some pictures when I get them taken.

It's no doubt I've got step one. I am truly powerless. I know damn well that if I slip for even one sip I am doomed. I know how my mind is and if I start cutting corners even in daydreams, it won't be long before I'm rationalizing. Went out with Kevin last night after some Sushi and stopped in the usual watering holes with no desire whatsoever. I met that tattoo artist I was thinking about asking to sponsor me, looks like it might be a go. 

Today, I plan on making it to a meeting. I plan to talk to other alcoholics, and I plan on reading some literature. In the meantime I plan on "praying" in the sense that I do. I am excited about the job potentials. I may soon be working at Banana Republic? Hey, I get discounts on Blazers...

I am also working on a music video Saturday. Should be a cool experience and maybe some good money in the future. It should be interesting driving the jeep out onto Carolina Beach with a 300 pound generator in the back. Good day Blog.