Rainy Days and Samurai Sword Umbrellas.

It's now 3:37 and today could not have turned out any further from what you'd expect from a rainy Wednesday in downtown Wilmington. I woke up still fully jacked from those damn FourLoko's. As a general suggestion, anything that your entire group of friends agrees is the equivalent of PCP in a can...IS A BAD IDEA TO DRINK. PERIOD. I'd explain why but that story would be another blog entry entirely and you would still be no closer to understanding what really occured. So just trust me. Like you trust that the sun will still rise in the morning and that yelling bomb in an Airport WILL 100% percent get you arrested.

Either way, wake up jacked - eat pizza - bike home and promptly hop back in bed with the laundry running. Fairly normal Wednesday. For those of you that have been to my house before, you know that laying in my bed is no small task. The glourious thing is that my bed is 8 feet square and the bed equivalent of the size of Canada when it comes to laying in it alone. Most cases, awesome. This particular afternoon however, this size only served to strike a nerve in me that made me realize its been far too long since I've had an ACTUAL girlfriend. No offense to anyone I've dated, but there is a significant difference in that "getting to know the person" dating phase and full on "living together, I just washed your underwear". I wouldn't mind having that bit of comfort zone and an inside joke or two, where a night can consist of making dinner and watching a movie and be none the happier. I keep telling myself it's because I haven't found the right person down here, blah blah whatever reason, but every once in a while, one can't help but wonder.

So there was that. And don't forget it started pouring rain, so I was essentially stuck in the house. There's no way the Cinelli is voluntarily getting rained on. It's just not happening. Luckily Chelsea rescued me and we went and got dinner and cheesecake/40's for Tyler and Tron and such. Had a great little evening kicking it at the TreeHouse, got a random call from a really cool chick I've been sorta trying to get to hang out ;) Turned out there was a show at Soapbox to go check out. Even better it was free, so we all traipsed down there in the rain.

I say it now - There is absolutely nothing like the band that graced the stage in the entire world. and they are going to be HUGE in their own right. Nutt st. has this Wednesday night comedy show that was playing before so it was a good time getting ready to happen. For a little more context, its Tyler, McKenna, Chelsea, Really cool random phone call chick (not really a date but if it were, it woulda been the raddest first date ever - which is partially why I feel like documenting this evening), and myself. Well this girl is new in town so I guess my/my friends reputations had preceded us even to this venue because her phone seriously started blowing up with texts from the people she sorta works with down here being all lame and judgemental. I generally want to slap those sorts of people in the face but I wasn't feeling particularly FourLoko status tonight so I didn't really let it bother me. Those kinds of people aren't really capable of enjoying the way we live anyway so whatever, chock it up to not understanding us.

Getting back to the show - 'The Bill Murray Experience' is the most amazing show I' ve seen short of the Avett Brothers in a cd store in the last at least 7 years. The singer apparently ordered a beer next to me in this humble little voice, and looked no different than any other person in the bar. Little did I know what we we're all in for. The band is a 4 piece acoustic with a Double Bass, Banjo, Guitar and a Thimble/Washboard for percussion. Not to forget a bevy of small little bells and whistles hidden all over the members bodies to be revealed periodically for gimmicks and pranks. Of course the washboard belongs to the singer, along with a Kazoo. Yes i said Kazoo. And this little guy had to be the most beefy badass kazoo ever because this girl could SING. Lucky for the audience she didn't have a mic, because she was a loungy sultry sorta 20's style singer with the voice of an Italian Opera Singer. People seriously could hear her upstairs and outside. We met the band after and apparently she used to do theatre so she got all that projection from there. The audience was instantly mesmerized and drawn in with the bands alternating solo's and switches from slower traditional songs to crazy folk rock shakedowns. All in all an incredible experience.

We all bought albums and chatted with the band afterwards for a bit before bursting back out into the real world and marching happily in the rain back to Tylers. I then realizing that I had gotten a ride downtown with Chelsea snagged Tyler's samurai sword Umbrella and walked Shannon home in the rain splashing puddles the whole way. I don't think we even really used the umbrellas most of the time, enjoying the light drizzle. Not like we could make it stop raining if we wanted too. It was a perfect ending to a very unique Wednesday, as I walked the other 15 blocks home, the only soul doing such in all of downtown as far as I was concerned. It's really nice and quiet at 3am, a bit creepy on some blocks but all in all pretty solid.

And that my friends was how my Wednesday night went. How bout yours?

Rambles 2010

The sun is rising but I feel the need to document this moment. Techno mix of my own creation is playing a few inches from the computer screen and at this moment I feel the need to record something about myself. "Floating In." MY photographic memory will store this for me visually but in no other way. I love that I never sleep...Enough of this world goes to waste as it is...Our show opens friday and I don't think Julia is just a crush. But neither is any of the girls? I wonder where I was ruined. It had to be Jessica. After her none of it really mattered...It's a shame that it happened so early...so young. MY left asscheek is numb...Fail. I guess its off to bed. Goodnight life.

Anxiety Trigger

I am in the midst of a small to possibly major anxiety freakout meltdown. Triggers I can identify are physical fitness, laws, and money. No more rock climbing, no more martial arts, not enough gym time. Some of them are even combined issues - getting out of my golds gym membership and not having the money to pay for it. Feeling trapped. It seems to even be in the nature of the situations I put myself in. I worry so much about being broke or not. Losing it all, but I then put myself in a job where I never know exactly how much money that I'm even going to make. This whole mess of the license and car and DUI is all coming to a head and turning out to be a bigger mess than it was when it started. I catch myself being quiet lost in my mind and all the facets of whats going on. I never usually have these sorts of anxiety issues but when they do come on, they come on strong. They make me want to leave it all behind and simplify the life that I lead. A nice treehouse in the jungle away from everyone where the difference between life and death is entirely based on my own ingenuity. Then the money issue pops back into my head, where do I get my passport for that, or learn the languages or this or that or the other. It never ends.

The only way I see to sort this out is to take control and take each day 1 at a time. Start tomorrow with a long bike ride, early. Get some food, clean up the house and put all that laundry away. Call the monitech place and figure out how to handle my jeep. Make these plans for the move or not and put some money away. The bike spendings gotta get put on hold. Priorities equal rent, credit card and finishing off with this situation for my license and car.

Oh well such is life. The moments passed.

There was this girl...

I was hanging out with some friends one night, a possible interest even and I see her across the room.

She didn't make me stumble or catch my breathe but something about her grabbed ahold me.

I wasn't really sure why or how, but I couldn't really shake the idea of what if. Immediately writing it off as just another pretty girl that wouldn't be interested in me we became friends through friends of friends and such...

Fancy shirts, cartoon monsters...late nights shared in badly lit smoky bars. The types of experiences that make up the weekend wars and movie matinee's for the night owls like us...the way the friendships are made in our fantasy lives. Nightlife people are a different breed in that they effectively live two lives. The daylight person may work a 9-5...Selling you your house, teaching your children, maybe cleaning your car, or walking your dog...But when the sun goes down, we change clothes...hairstyles...attitudes. We open up and seek out the others like us.

She was one of those types, all hopes and dreams and motivation. She loved to dance and it was obvious that she equally loved life. Thats all it took :) I was at work today and literally almost tripped at the scent of her hair, her smile...her tight little athletic body that fits against mine so well...

This girl intoxicates me from head to toe and I'm pretty positive she always will...its that feeling that you get when you try a new sport, or discover an instrument and you just know you were meant to play it. That it was something your soul was going to crave for the rest of your days...that peaceful feeling you have when its around...

It was like that...

2:50pm on Sunday is an odd Hour

Such a weird time of day.
Such an obvious "On The Fence" time of day.
2:50...

Not quite 3.
Too late to eat lunch, too early for dinner.
Too late to go to the beach, too early to use that as an excuse.
Too late to start an "All-day" project, still too early to use that as an excuse.
Too bright out for naps, too early for siesta.

2:50...Heh. 25 with a zero.
25 is like that.

Too late to start over, too early to give up.
Too late to change everything, too early to feel like you have to.
Too late to try the easy life, too early to stop dreaming.
Too late to feel entitled, but too early to let others have all the fun.

2:50 is a dangerous hour. 25 is a dangerous age.
You have all your potential right in front of you.
If you've lived at all its not your first time around, your first battle, first goal scored.
Been there done that, should at least be a thought.
Whether its appropriate to speak out loud or not.
25 can mean you've just gathered all your troops. Loaded all your guns, and prepared for war.

2:50 can mean, man its been a great day so far.
Or I'm just getting started.

Well, I'm just getting started. Watch what I can do.

Sober

Its 87 days. I'm still sober... I'm not going anywhere. This world can't break me...This vice won't win. I run my life. I make my days, my own way. 90 days here I come.

hate

I hate you...so much. You make me miserable. You make me want to die. To disappear and be the martyr and well of sorrow in everyones chest for however long it will last. You make me want to write a note blaming it all on you so you will realize how bad you made me feel. You make me want to punch, bite, claw, swing, headbutt, knee and kick anything I can reach. Anything within my body's capacity. You make me want to burn my house down, burn other peoples houses down, just because. You make me want to pick up and leave you wondering. Just move and never come back. And I will tell everyone stories about where I came from and how I had to get away. I'll make most of it up to seem gloomier than it was, and make myself seem more victimized. I'll start to believe my lies and wonder why I don't let anyone else in. When really its because I gave you the key to my lock years before. You make me hate days that should by glorious. It's beautiful outside and all I want to do is hide and dwell on the anger. You make me want to write you mean letters and lash out with all that you accuse me of doing. You make me want to actually do those things so you will be right. So for once you will be accusing me of something that I've actually done. You make me want to be better at everything that I do that doesn't involve you so that I won't feel like I need you anymore. Even though i do. And will. You make me want to do so many sweet things, but I don't because I only feel like you will think I'm doing them to cover some bad thing I've done up. You make me want to do desperate things, like drive up there and see you right now just to prove I will. But the only sensible shred left in me knows that I can't afford it, and my car might not make it, and I have to have a job...which I would lose...So instead I do nothing. And wish you knew I wanted to do something. You cut me so deep and so hard every time you tell me you love me and still go to bed with him. And don't even try to hide it. No one deserves to feel this way, to put up with something like this. But I do, because maybe you will appreciate the sacrifice, maybe you will see that I am putting myself through some of what you put yourself through so that now we might be even. Every self respecting part of my body, that knows I'm better, wants to scream "go to hell" turn around flip you off and never look back. It wants to say "you think you can do this to me? I'll show you" and spend the rest of my life finding ways to spite you. Knowing damn well you will just move on and the anger and vengeance will only consume one of us. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I don't even know how many ways to describe that, and it makes me sick to think of you and someone else. Its the only thought that can physically make me puke to this day. I gagged right now simply typing it. I want to tear into my chest, pull my heart out and actually hand the bloody mess over to you so you will have some concrete proof that it is yours. All the good its doing me now, keeping me breathing so I can spin my wheels and waste someone elses time. You make me want to just hold you and be there and show you that I won't let you down like you think I will...if it were possible its all I would do every moment of every day...and you won't let me...or let yourself try again...but you won't let go either...why won't you let go? you try to force me to do it so many other ways...maybe so it won't be on you? So you won't have to deal with the fact that you might have made the wrong choice? years from now when we are different people in different places...would it make it easier if I were the one to walk away? Sorry...I tried, I can't....I hate you so much...

But I love you more...